


Dave Learns Karate (Maybe)

by atomicCoke



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, Karate Kid AU, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, What Was I Thinking?, is this a thing already, trolls are humans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-12 23:40:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3359603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atomicCoke/pseuds/atomicCoke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave moves to a new town and learns the way of the Japanese while simultaneously trying to woo John.</p><p>or</p><p>I can't watch movies without thinking of Homestuck anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dave Learns Karate (Maybe)

Roxy Lalonde was kicking it to her jams as her fussy kid brother angsted to himself in the passenger seat. The ac was also cranked up. Roxy didn’t even know what state they were even in anymore. Then again, the only state that really mattered was the destination. If you asked Dave, he’d disagree. 

“Stop scowling all the time. It’s going to leave wrinkles.” 

Kicking up his feet to rest on the dashboard, Dave huffed. “My bad, wouldn’t want this cherub of a face to age to fast.” 

“Har, har, har. At least you’ll finally have a real reason to wear those sun glasses,” Roxy pushed his feet off the dashboard.

“And we’ll be in wine country, the one true place you belong.”

“Dave, you really like you hurt me. This will be good for you, to get away from all those cynical mobs brain washing you.”

“If I hadn’t already made a drunk and wine joke I would now,” he paused. “I think we just passed into California.”

“Welcome home kid, welcome home.”

___________

The apartment building was no better then the last one they lived in. It looked like an old run down motel from the movies about the slums, followed by a rap battle. Dave would probably take pictures of it when no one was around.

“I’m gonna start unpacking, you go get the keys little man,” Roxy popped the trunk, then popped a good amount of luggage. 

“I think you should get the keys.” 

“That’s what I said,” she said curtly walking through the gates. 

Dave got to work on unloading Roxy’s bags. Soon the only things left were Dave’s sick turntables and box of dead things. He couldn’t exactly see where he was going. He crashed into a somebody. His stuff was okay. He looked to the other guy, a scrawny guy with weird yet hella shades. He hissed, “What the fuc-“

“Hey, I’m not the one walking into people carry large objects.”

The kid squinted, not that Dave could really tell, “Touthé.” 

“So ah,” Dave rubbed the back of his neck, “you live in this dump?”

“Yeah, sthadly. Here, let me help you,” he took the box with dead things. “Name ith Sthollux, by the way.” 

“Dave,” replied Dave. They walked past a pool with a questionable color. Beside the pool was an old woman sitting in a lawn chair, with white as white hair. A pair of glasses rested on her nose in a way that looked as if they would fall at any moment. Her face was tinted blue, reflecting the blue dress or nightgown she wore. There was a lizard laying on her lap. At least, it looked like a lizard. 

“Thath old lady Nana, crazy nut sthole my honey for her cookiesh. Keep your head low and don’t sthtop walking.” 

As they pasted her the woman turned her head. “Aye, don’t go spreading lies, I know you are, don’t even try to deny it,” she snapped but with mischif, as if she knew something you didn’t. She probably did.

“Ah, sthut up,” Sollux waved her off. 

“Why? Don’t want me to embarrass you in front of your boyfriend?” she chuckled. 

“Yeah, I think it’th in both of our intereth that you don’t sthcare him into moving out. Actually, pleathe, do, maybe he’ll find a better place where you won’t be.”

“Ho, ho, ho! So he is your boyfriend?”

“Why do I bother.” They made it up the stairs to the apartment door. “ Sthince you’re new in town and don’t know anyone, I’m going to invite you thith beath party later tonight. If you turn out to be a prick we never meet. “

“Loud and clear.” Sollux nodded his head and walked away. 

Inside was pink. Everything, pink. The walls: pink. The carpet: pink. The refrigerator: pink. The couch: pink. And so on. It was disgusting. Who even makes pink refrigerators? Dave opened it, despite the fact that he knew there would be no food. Inside there was a single half empty bottle of wine.

“DaAve! Isn’t this place so malarvolous!?” 

“Rox- Let’s get one this straight. If my room is pink I will be repainting it.”

“Com’on Davy, don’t be such a pout,” she pouted.

“Another thing, that bottle will be the only bottle you will get past me while we’re here.”

“Get it, got it, good.” Roxy plopped down on the couch. “ Get me a glass of liguwid will you brother dearest?” Dave did as requested. After going into Roxy’s stuff for a water bottle and returning the the kitchen-living area Dave turned the right nozzle, got hit with water, and turned it once again. He stood there for a good moment. 

“I’ll be right back.” As he shut the door Roxy did a Terminator impression. It rated at a generous 7. 

__________

Down the stairs Dave realized he didn’t know where he was actually going. He thought of asking Sollux but he couldn’t do that to his pride. It was already damaging that after yeas of shitty apartments he was still not a goddamn handyman. 

Old lady Nana was still sunbathing in what sunlight came through the smog. This time Dave noticed the lizard-thing was covered in a purple cloak. Who the fuck does that? Old lady Nana does. That’s who. 

“Excuse me. Yeah, the sink isn’t working -“

“I’m an old woman what do you expect me to do about it?”

“Was hoping you’d come to the rescue and fix it.”

“Don’t sass me boy, ” she snarked, “ maintenance is just past the potted plant over there, the first right and to the left, first door.”

“Thanks lady.” He strolled the potted plant, the first right and to the left, right to the first door. When he opened it a bucket of water fell on him. Dave yelped. There was cackling in the distance. Well played lady, well played.

“Seriously though, who the hell is gonna fix the sink,” Dave asked no one. He turned slightly to see a screen door. He walked up to it. In the room was a dumpier dump than the whole place. A man with glasses straight from the animes was sewing something Dave couldn’t see. 

“Sup,” no response. “So the sink in 111 is broken. It’s in need of a good fix. Soon. Just an fyi. That means-“

“God shut up, I’m busy,” the man snapped. What happened to customer service?

“Look, brah, there is a sink that needs to be showed some love.”

“And I need you to shut your face.”

“Showing your age there old man,” Dave grabbed the door handle. The man snapped his neck. There was a not-stare-down-stare-down. Dave let go of the door handle. Dave went back to his apartment, muttering to himself. What did he care anyway. He had to primp himself for the beach.

**Author's Note:**

> i swear, this was meant to be crack, but ended up more serious than intended. im gonna try to keep this all short and sweet. im not taking this seriously at all.


End file.
